英语笑话

英文幽默笑话Misc Jokes

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture of handcuffs The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court He handed it over so the judge could see it The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself

Oklahoma City:

Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should of blown your (expletive) head off" The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that was there"

The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30 year sentence

Detroit:

RC Gaitlan, 21 walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St Louis, Missouri

Colorado Springs:

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21" The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag The robber then ran from the store with his loot The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license They arrested the robber two hours later

参考资料：

http://wwwwebstorycn

A man goes to church and starts talking to God He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少"上帝回答:"一便士"男子又问:"那一百万年呢"上帝说:"一秒钟"最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗"上帝回答:"过一秒钟"

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins" The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins" After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets" Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers" Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2" Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons" All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong I work for 7up"!

四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎"男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理"过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎"男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了我是3M公司的董事"最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎"男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作"他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

呵呵,一个比一个效率高

Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together" The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile" The genie said the magic words and the wish came true Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out" President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridgeFill it with water!!!

拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个"加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃"精灵说了咒语愿望实现了拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情"精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去"布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶注满水!!!"

My Baby Swallowed a Bullet

Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet What shall I do

Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody"

Notes

1 to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹

2 to point at: 对瞄准

个中意味自己体会吧 :)

allybaby

Once two hunters went hunting in the forest One of them suddenly fell down by accident He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead" Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

　下面是我整理的 英语笑话 幽默，希望对大家有帮助。

　英语笑话幽默：我妹妹的手指头

　Teacher: Kevin, why are you late this time

　Kevin: Please sir, I bruised two fingers knocking in a nail at home

　Teacher: I don't see any bandages

　Kevin: Oh, they weren't my fingers! I told my little sister to hold the nail

　老师：凯温，这次你怎么又迟到了

　凯温：对不起，老师，我在家钉钉子，砸坏了两个手指头。

　老师：怎么没有扎绷带呀

　凯温：噢，砸的不是我的手指头，我叫小妹妹扶着钉子的。

　英语笑话幽默：新西兰的气候

　The Climate of New Zealand

　Teacher: Matthew, what is the climate of New Zealand

　Matthew: Very Cold, sir

　Teacher: Wrong

　Matthew: But, sir! When they send us meat it always arrives frozen!

　老师：马修，新西兰的气候怎么样

　马修：先生，那里的天气很冷。

　老师：错了。

　马修：可是，先生!从那儿运来的猪肉都冻得硬邦邦的。

　英语笑话幽默：Good news or Bad news

　An artist was part of an exhibition, and he asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings that were currently on display

　"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied

　"Give me the good news first," the artist demanded

　"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings"

　"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What could the bad news possibly be"

　With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The gentleman in question was your doctor"

　以为艺术家在一个画廊办了个展览，他问店主是否有人对他参展的画感兴趣。

　“我有一个好消息和一个坏消息。”店主回答。

　“先告诉我好消息。”画家要求道。

　“好消息是一位绅士询问了你的作品，还问它是否会在你死后增。我告诉他会的，然后他买下了你所有的15幅画作。”

　“那太棒了!”画家惊叹。“那么什么会是坏消息呢”

　店主想了想之后说：“问那个问题的是你的医生”。

　英语笑话幽默：I don't think I know

　Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring"

　John: "What do you think it is, sir"

　Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"

　John: "I don't think I know either, sir!"

　老师：“John，动词ring的过去分词是什么”。

　约翰：“你想它是什么呢”

　老师：“我不用想，我知道!”。

　约翰：“我想我不知道”。

　英语笑话幽默：A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

　When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的)

　Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special I named you after my own father because I loved him very much I know he would be proud of you

　Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name

　女儿出生时，我们给她取名叫迈尔斯，和我深爱的业已过世的父亲同一个名字，不过家人提醒这个名字太男性化了。

　几年以后，我觉得迈尔斯已经长大，能够懂事了。我对她解释说：你的名字很特别。我给你取了一个和我爸爸一样的名字，因为我非常爱他。我相信他会为你而深感自豪的。

　迈尔斯很仔细地想了一下，然后说道：这些我都懂，妈妈。可是我不知道外公为什么会有一个女孩子的名字。

　英语笑话幽默：电脑问题

　I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve She could not print yellow All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors are cyan, magenta, and yellow I had the customer change ink cartridges，delete and reinstall the drivers Nothing worked I asked my coworkers for help; they offered no new ideas After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly, "Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of yellow paper"

　我在惠普公司打印机部做技术支持工作已经有一个月了，有一天我接到一位客户的电话，她的问题我没办法解决。她的问题是：打印机不能打出来**，但是 其它 颜色都正常。这让我觉得很纳闷，因为三原色就是蓝、红、黄。我建议客户更换墨盒、删了驱动程序然后重新安装，但是都没有效果。我咨询同事们，他们也不知道该怎么办。经过两个多小时的交涉，我打算让客户把打印机寄给我们，这时候她平静地说了一句：“我是不是应该把这张黄纸扔了换一张白纸再打印试试。”

　英语笑话幽默：精神病医生

　Jerry went to a psychiatrist "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it I'm going crazy!" "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears" "How much do you charge" "A hundred dollars per visit" "I'll sleep on it," said Jerry Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street "Why didn't you ever come to see me again" asked the psychiatrist "For a hundred bucks a visit The bartender cured me for $10" "Is that so! How" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain't nobody under there now!"

　杰瑞去看精神病医生。“医生，我有些不对劲。每次睡觉的时候，我都感觉有人在床下。我要疯了!”“给我一年时间，”医生说，“每周来三次，我会治好你。”“费用是多少呢”“每次一百美元。”“我会认真考虑的。”杰瑞答道。六个月后医生和杰瑞在街上相遇了，“为什么你再也没来呢”医生问。“一次一百块钱吗有个酒吧服务生收了十块钱就把我治好了。”“真的他怎么做到的”“他让我把床腿锯掉。现在那没人了!”

　英语笑话幽默：死后重生

　"Do you believe in life after death" the boss asked one of his employees "Yes, Sir" the new recruit replied"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you

　“你相信人能死后重生吗”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信，先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦，那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后，她老人家到这儿看你来了。”

　英语笑话幽默：他什么都没听到

　Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble" "I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home My husband was in all morning He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel "Oh, good," she gushed "We've been waiting for this for ages" "What is it" I asked "My husband's new hearing aid"

　我在邮局上班，对于顾客们的各种情绪早已习以为常了。所以，有一天当一个生气的顾客气冲冲地来到我的工作台时，我还是非常平静地问她，“有什么问题吗”“我早上上街了，”女顾客说，“我回到家的时候，我看到一个卡片，卡片说邮递员要给我们家送包裹，但没人在家。可是我的丈夫整个早上都在家啊。他说他什么都没听到”。在表示了歉意之后，我把包裹给了她。“噢，太好了”，那位女顾客喜形于色。“我们等这东西都等多少年了!”“是什么好东西”我问。“我丈夫的新助听器”。

　英语笑话幽默：有效

　Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday"

　汤姆早上老起不来，所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气，警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是，汤姆去看医生，医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。汤姆照医生的话做了，睡得非常之好，事实上，他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。汤姆从容不迫地吃完早餐，然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”，汤姆说，“那药真管用，我的睡眠好极了!” “是够管用的，”老板说，“问题是，昨天你人哪去了”

　英语笑话幽默：两个笨贼

　Two robbers were robbing a hotel The first robber said, "I hear sirens Jump!" The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!" The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

　两个盗贼在一家旅馆偷东西。第一个说：“我听到警报响了，快跳吧!” 第二个说：“但是我们现在在第13层啊!” 第一个尖叫着回敬他：“都什么时候了，还这么迷信!”

　英语笑话幽默：结婚的花费

　A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married"

　小男孩问他的父亲：“爸爸，结婚要花多少钱”

　His father replied, "I don't know, son, because I'm still paying for it now"

　他的父亲回答说：“儿子，我不知道，因为我现在还在为它付账呢。”

英式幽默英语小笑话

　1、The thief and the judge

　It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner "What are you charged with" he asked

　"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant

　"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping"

　"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner

　法官与小偷

　那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉”他问。

　“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。

　“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早”

　在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。

　2、Jesus's Telly

　A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired

　"But what's that in the corner" asked Mother

　"Oh, that's their telly," replied the tot

　耶稣的电视机

　圣诞节时孩子要了纸和蜡笔，想画一张耶稣诞生像。最后这件艺术品被陈列出来供父母鉴赏。

　他们对耶稣诞生后睡的马槽，牧羊人，耶稣及其家庭都逐一表示赞赏。

　“可是那个角落里是什么”妈妈问。

　“噢，那是他们的电视机，”孩子回答说。

　3、What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden

　Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe

　圣诞老人喜欢在花园里做什么

　答案：锄地。(英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是锄草之意，ho则是圣诞老人的笑声。)

　4、On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor Which one of them do you think picked it up

　Answer: Santa of course! Why Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!

　圣诞节前夕，圣诞老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律师在一家高级饭店一同等电梯，门还未开前，三人同时看到地上有一张新台币1000元的钞票，猜猜谁会将它捡起

　答案：当然是圣诞老人啦!为什么因为大家都知道另外两者并不存在。

　5、Did You Know Him At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal "I sure was!" answered the host "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met Did you know him too" "Sort of," replied the guest "My mother married him last Saturday"

　你认识他吗 在朋友家的一次宴会上，主人提起一位高中时的校友。 一位客人问他读书期间，某位副校长是否也在职。 “当然了，”主人答道。“他是我见过的最大的混蛋。你也认识他吗” “有点认识，”客人回答。“我妈妈上周六嫁给了他。

　6、中间战术Midway Tactics

　Midway Tactics

　Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall

　Observers waited for mayhem to ensue

　The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying,

　"Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"

　The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming,

　"Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"

　The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign

　that simply stated, "ENTRANCE"

　中间战术

　三个互相争生意的商店老板在一条商业街上租用了毗邻的店铺。旁观者等着瞧好戏。

　右边的零售商挂起了巨大的招牌，上书：“大减价!”“特便宜!”

　左边的商店挂出了更大的招牌，声称：“大砍价!”“大折扣!”

　中间的商人随后准备了一个大招牌，上面只简单地写着：“入口处”

　7、猪或女巫Pig or Witch

　A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road

　A woman is driving down the same road

　As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

　The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

　They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner,

　he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road

　If only men would listen

　一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。

　他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪!!”

　那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫!!”

　他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。

　要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。

　8、At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend

　"Shall I engrave her name on it" the jeweler asked

　The customer thought for a moment, and then said,

　"No-engrave it 'To my one and only love' That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again"

　在一家珠宝店里，一位年轻人买了一个贵重的小金盒作为送给女友的'礼物。

　“要我把她的名字刻在上面吗”珠宝商问道。

　那名顾客想了一会儿，然后说道：

　“不--在上面刻‘给我唯一的爱’。这样，如果我们闹崩了，我还可以再用到它。”

　9、歌德的容忍

　Goethe's Tolerance

　Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar

　As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him

　Both of them stopped, staring at each other

　Then the critic said, "I'll never make way for a fool"

　"But I will," with that Goethe retreated aside

　歌德的容忍

　一次，歌德正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步。

　碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。

　两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道：“我从来不给傻瓜让路。”

　“可我给。”说完歌德退到了一边。

　10、The Mean Man's Party

　The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party

　Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said,

　"Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow

　When the door open, push with your foot"

　"Why use my elbow and foot"

　"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you"

　一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。

　他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。

　门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

　“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢”

　“天哪!” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧”

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